


Selfishness

by MinaRen



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Prequel Trilogy, Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, F/M, Feels, Secret Relationship, Unplanned Pregnancy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-31
Updated: 2018-10-31
Packaged: 2019-08-11 14:59:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 792
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16477742
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MinaRen/pseuds/MinaRen
Summary: Some part of him can’t help to be disappointed when Senator Amidala’s pregnancy is made public.But then again, he has no right to judge his apprentice.Not really.





	Selfishness

**Author's Note:**

> You can actually read this as a companion to Attachments, thought the references are vague, plus I'm being pretty vague about Satine being alive.

He has noticed the way Anakin’s eyes never leave Padmé’s form. Obi Wan is not blind, and he has lived long enough to know the look of a man in love. He has known his share of it too.

It’s not that the Jedi have it forbidden to feel, it’s only natural. They are only human, such things are due to happen. They are even encouraged to love everyone. When a Jedi decides to act upon those feelings, however, it becomes a problem.

Obi Wan has never been _that_ worried about it. While he knew of Anakin’s affections, he had trusted Padmé’s judgment. Because of that, some part of him can’t help to be disappointed when Senator Amidala’s pregnancy is made public.

But then again, he has no right to judge his apprentice.

Not really.

A vague memory appears in his mind, one that brings him both joy and pain. It’s about Satine-as most of his secretly happy memories are-, laying over a blue spread sheet in the floor, with her long, blond hair down, a loosely tied robe and a baby sucking on her breast. He had been watching, sitting right next to her, admiring in silence.

The most domestic and blissful he ever recalls to be. It hadn’t lasted for long, and it had made him understand why the Jedi were not to have family in any shape or form.

What were a few oaths, to the feeling of a woman’s smile over his lips?

A life of duty, to the first laugh of a baby son?

What was honor to a life of quiet happiness?

To Obi Wan, not as much as he had thought.

Someone who had never possessed such things would give their lives to protect it once tasted. Obi Wan wouldn’t blame them, if came to Satine and Korkie he knew well enough what decision he’d make.

He had never been miserable in the Order, always cared for, even if distantly. It had felt like a secret betrayal, those days that he had spent in Mandalore after the birth of his son. Or maybe it was the fact that he had never come to regret it what made him feel guilty.

He is not the perfect Jedi everyone thinks him to be, and he’s glad for that.

When he looks at Anakin that night, he wonders if the man is to leave the Jedi Order. He is only a few years younger than Obi Wan was when placed in such situation.

‘’I believe congratulations are in order,’’ he swiftly lets out. Anakin’s expression doesn’t change. ‘’Do you know anything about a father?’’

The other man shook his head. ‘’She is having it on her own. There is no father.’’

‘’Is it not?’’ He can’t help but push a little, they have known each other for years, and one would say they are past this games.  ‘’Maybe he doesn’t wants to take responsibility, a cowardly thing to do, if you ask me.’’

Their eyes meet, then. A thousand words pass soundlessly between them.

‘’I agree.’’ Anakin says, and there’s a familiar bitterness in his voice. ‘’If that were the case, but this was the Senator’s choice.’’

His breath almost caught his throat, something hitting to close.

_‘’If you had said the word, I would have left the Jedi Order.’’_

_Later, with a soft hand against his cheek, she had whispered to him. ‘’My dear Obi Wan, how could I have asked you to leave everything you’ve ever known?’’ There was sadness in her smile, but no pain this time. ‘’I could never be that selfish.’’_

_‘’I wish you had.’’ He thinks, only realizing he had said it out loud because of her broken expression. He didn't mean to place blames on her, ‘’I wish I had been braver.’’_

_''But you are, Obi'' she calls him by his name. ''You are the bravest man I know.''_

Suddenly it occurs him, that they may not be so different. Obi Wan closes his eyes and allows himself to remember the memory of Satine Kryze’s farewell. She had their son on her hip and her clothes were informal. She had given him a light bow, with a smile that revealed nothing. Obi Wan had thought she was the most beautiful woman in the galaxy, and he had been _afraid_ when he realized the things he would have done for her.

But he wasn’t a selfish man, he had never been.

Sometimes he wishes he had.

His eyes never left Anakin’s. ‘’As long as it makes them happy.’’

Anakin gave him a laugh, but it was tinted with desperation. ‘’It will have to do,’’ he finished, looking at his Master, expecting something he could not give him.

Obi Wan said nothing else.

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this pretty quickly, so sorry if there are any mistakes.
> 
> Hope you guys enjoyed! If you did, make sure to leave a comment below!


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